its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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