No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
