I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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