I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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