Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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