I wish you could order shots online.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
