I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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