I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
