Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
