Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
