you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
