Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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