Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
