Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
