Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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