I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
