i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
