i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
