Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
