i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
