I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
