I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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