I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
