Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
