answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
