you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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