just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Boobs are out for the taking
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
