i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
