now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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