Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
