my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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