Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
