You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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