Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
lets start a swedish sibling band together
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
