my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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