The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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