You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i think my cat just said my name.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
