In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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