whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
