There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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