How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
