Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
