He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
