I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
