Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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