my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
