You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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