you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
