Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
