im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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