not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
