The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
